Ok,… I’m going to be blunt, in hopes that it will jar you enough to really examine what is REALLY going on, with your emotional issues with others. (If you understand it, it has the potential to dramatically improve ALL your relationships, whether they are casual, in passing, or ongoing, personal or work related.)

NO ONE ELSE is ever CAUSING you to feel one way or another.

So, when you BELIEVE, for example, your mother (or any other person) is MAKING you feel however you do, YOU are not taking RESPONSIBILITY for how you feel. And this is unfair and unjust, which is also to say, it’s unkind, because WE also wouldn’t want others to blame or make US responsible for however they feel.

Whether we know it, or like it or not, EACH OF US is causing OURSELVES to feel however we do, about EVERYTHING.

But what stands in the way of you (or anyone) understanding this? Our own BELIEFS.

Because of what most of us observed as children, we unwittingly picked up the BELIEF that ‘Others are at least sometimes responsible for how we feel.’ And once we BELIEVE something, we tend to NOT question it. Instead, we tend to look for things that reinforce, support, justify and perpetuate it.

Where might you have ‘learned’ to believe ‘others can be or are responsible for how I feel’?

As a child, how often did you hear some version of, “You make me sick.” Or even, “You make me so happy.”? Every time you heard such things you ‘learned’ or considered the idea: Others may not be responsible for how they feel. Which then leads you to conclude and believe: I may not be responsible for how I feel.

Or, did you ever do something and then saw your mom get upset, and maybe your dad said, “See what you did? You went and got your mom upset.”? Or, did you ever see or hear some adult complaining about some event in the world? Did you ever hear someone say how it’s ‘their fault’ that they are upset? Or even, did you hear people even blame the WEATHER for how they feel? “It’s raining. Ooooh, the rain makes me so sad.”

Do you see that this is false? Do you see that it’s only how a person thinks ABOUT something that causes how they feel? Examples:

 Lost a job. Do you feel good or bad, calm or anxious? It depends on how you think ABOUT it.
 Get stuck in traffic. Do you feel calm or annoyed. It depends on how you think ABOUT it.
 Get criticism from someone. Does it disturb you, or can you deal with it calmly, constructively and even happily? It depends on how you think ABOUT it. Or even,…
 You get praise for something. How do you feel about it? It’s possible not to feel good. It depends on how you think ABOUT it.
 Notice new wrinkles under your eyes. Does it upset you or not? It depends on how you think ABOUT it.
 You think about something you want that you don’t yet have. Does it upset you or uplift you? It depends on how you think ABOUT it.
 Someone is late to meet you or doesn’t keep their word. Are you upset or not? It depends on how you think ABOUT it.
 Even this: You notice you’re having a negative thought about yourself. You notice you’re demeaning yourself, or putting yourself down in some way. Do you get (or stay) upset or not? It depends on how you think ABOUT it.

If you grasp that how we feel depends on how WE think ABOUT things, you then grasp that how we feel is only OUR creation or responsibility.

Here is how others put this:

“We create our own heaven or hell. Your thoughts can imprison you or set you free. Complications, conditions or people do not upset you, but the way you think about them causes your upset. Freedom is not possible until we discipline and retrain our minds.” - p. 124 of Choose To Live Peacefully by Susan Smith Jones, Ph.D.

“If you say, “I just can’t help the way I feel,” you will only make yourself a victim of your misery ~ and you’ll be fooling yourself, because you can change the way you feel.
If you want to feel better, you must realize that your thoughts and attitudes--not external events--create your feelings. You can learn to change the way your think, feel, and behave in the here-and-now.” - from The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns

“If you let the world affect how you feel, what you are saying is, "I do not make my own decisions, I just have a Pavlovian response to anything that may twang my emotions."” Stuart Wilde in ‘Life Was Never Meant To Be A Struggle’

“When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are not reacting to the person or the situation, but to your feelings [beliefs] about the person or the situation.” - from The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

“I can't emphasize this strongly enough... If you haven't been able to feel how you want to feel and haven't been able to get yourself to do something you want to do... then you are being victimized by your own disempowering thoughts, beliefs and attitudes.” - Mike Brescia, President, Think Right Now International

“Suffering is always optional.” From ‘Restore Your Magnificence’ by Dr. Joe Rubino

“You are the sovereign authority for your life. You are the ruler who makes the decisions regarding how you will act, what information you will accept. You do it anyway -- but if you recognize that you do it, you can gain much greater control over your future.

But whether or not you accept it, you are sovereign. You rule one life -- and you rule it totally.” Harry Browne, in ‘How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World’

“If things go wrong in my world, something is wrong in me. Therefore, if I am sensible, I shall put myself right first.” Carl Jung

“It's a familiar story for many of us. Notice how suffering is always caused when we are believing our own stressful thoughts. And if you are feeling any stress, even the most minute amount of stress, I invite you to identify what you are believing and then to question those thoughts that are always the cause of that stress.” Byron Katie

“Other people can neither make us miserable nor make us happy.” - p.3 of Choice Theory by William Glasser, M.D.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.” Eckhart Tolle in ‘The New Earth’ p. 90

"If for a moment, you think your destiny is being determined by external circumstances, you're sleepwalking." Dr. Michael Beckwith

“If you are feeling less than peaceful and confident it is because you are believing something that causes you to feel this way. Consciously or not, you are buying into a disturbing evaluation, and it isn’t necessary. It’s just a thought, an idea, a belief. But a disturbing belief or evaluation tends to blind us to constructive and uplifting ones. Dispel and replace the poor belief with a more constructive one and your mood WILL rise. How you feel follows what you come to believe.” PMI

"We teach people that they upset themselves. We can't change the past, so we change how people are thinking, feeling and behaving today." Dr. albert Ellis, founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy

In other words, emotionally speaking, you are at the helm. You are in control. You are in the driver’s seat, though you may unwittingly be choosing to hand the wheel over to whomever you’re relating to. (Which can make for a precarious ride, hey?)

Oh, and did I say why you might want to understand all this? See my signature line.

Phil

And to add some emphasis to the preceding, I volunteer these, from two of Wally's "contemporaries":

"So long as we persist in the belief, that the true originating cause of anything is to be found anywhere but in our own mental attitude, we condemn ourselves to interminable toil and strife."
- Thomas Troward, "Bible Mystery and Bible Meaning" (1913)

"A man's weakness and strength, purity and impurity, are his own, and not another man's; they are brought about by himself, and not by another; and they can only be altered by himself, never by another. His condition is also his own, and not another man's. His suffering and his happiness are evolved from within. As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains."
- James L. Allen, "As A Man Thinketh" (c. 1902)

"CAN YOU DIG IT?"

Oh boy Wayne, I can dig it! Thanks for bringing these two quotes to our attention!

Happy New Year everyone!

LauraK :

To Phil and Wayne,

All there is to say is "On, Yeah"!

Teresa

What I find very difficult about this concept is, other people think I make them feel bad or sad.

For instance, last week we were on holliday with my parents. A week together resulted in a fight.
My husband feels I always take my parents side.
Wich to a point is true.
But my parents are used to me doing what they want. They are old and changing this will hurt them. We talked about it. And this also hurt them. Not changing this, or talking about it, hurts my husband's feelings.
Doesn't matter what I do, I hurt somebody's feelings.

And telling them:"NO ONE ELSE is ever CAUSING you to feel one way or another." just isn't going to cut it.


How do you handle this?

quote:

Originally posted by Liesbeth:
And telling them:"NO ONE ELSE is ever CAUSING you to feel one way or another." just isn't going to cut it.


How do you handle this?

I think timing's key - if I may use a strong example, I defy ANYONE not to feel somewhere between sad/shocked/angry or disbelieving, if they saw me gun down their entire family in front of them.

Or to not feel afraid with a jolt of adrenalin if I (or anyone) grabbed them unexpectedly from behind and held a cold blade to their throat, one dark night.

What we CAN address even in black and white situations like those is where we GO with those feelings - do we hold onto the grief forever, do we never go anywhere at night again?

So maybe you can't change their reactions (aside from habit etc, that's their free will, as valid as anyone's) but maybe you can work on the time they last, for example if your parents react badly to something you say, to somehow show them things you know will bring a happier reaction, by showing them how much happier you are.... sorry, I don't know enough about your circs to give a better example.

But I'm thinking that the time-decay factor is what we CAN always control even in dire extremes, and that initial feelings can be changed by showing the person new information.

After all, if "feeling bad" is a cosmic warning we are thinking thoughts that will eventually manifest something we don't want, it's rational to get a bad feeling AT FIRST when we're encountering an existing manifestation of something we didn't want to happen...

quote:

So maybe you can't change their reactions (aside from habit etc, that's their free will, as valid as anyone's) but maybe you can work on the time they last, for example if your parents react badly to something you say, to somehow show them things you know will bring a happier reaction, by showing them how much happier you are.... sorry, I don't know enough about your circs to give a better example.

Thanks!
This is the perfect answer. I did that and I think they feel differently now.
Now I just have to stop going over and over the argument in my head.

My problem is, I want to keep everybody happy. I have to start to see, it is not my responsibility to keep everybody happy, and stop feeling guilty about it.

Really thank you. I feel better allready.

quote:

Originally posted by Liesbeth:
Now I just have to stop going over and over the argument in my head.

Years ago I used to do that, then my mum told me about a book (I cannot for the life of me remember what it was and neither can she) in which the main character's inner dialogue awarded people either a "black eye" or "feather in yer cap" - or words to that effect - depending on whether he agreed or disagreed with their actions, opinions, etc. Needless to say, he was a bit of an eccentric!

But once I heard it, it seemed to me that all MY mental arguments were a similar game of one-upmanship in which I awarded people, including me, merits and demerits... I can't describe it, but it just made me see how silly they were and I phased them out very easily.

Not sure if that will help but it helped me enormously, before then I could lie awake to 2am rehashing something from weeks before... what a waste of energy! lol

Going back to your original post, I don't think I read anything about what YOU might want. Seems to be an either/or between your parents' and your husband's wants.

We are learning in SOGR that to help those around us, we MUST take care of ourselves FIRST.

You DID imply that you just wanted everyone to be happy. I get it, we really DO want that. And as you said, we have no control over that and even if we did, it is NOT our job...

quote:

My problem is, I want to keep everybody happy.

Don't make the mistake of thinking your own happiness will come automatically after you've worked so hard at creating everybody else's. More likely, you'll end up feeling drained, resentful of them and mad at yourself when calm is restored.

quote:

Originally posted by Liesbeth:
What I find very difficult about this concept is, other people think I make them feel bad or sad.

...

And telling them:"NO ONE ELSE is ever CAUSING you to feel one way or another." just isn't going to cut it.

Liesbeth,

My experience says you’re right. You CAN’T just tell others about this.

I first learned about emotional responsibility in my late twenties. And soon afterwards there came a moment when my mom said I was making her mad or upset. And now, puffed up with my new found 'wisdom' I told her, “No. You’re making yourself upset. I’m not responsible for how you feel.” What happened next shocked me, but it taught me a valuable lesson.

She got so upset that she collapsed and fell and cut open her knee. And I had to take her to the doctor to get it stitched up.

So, what I suggest is, you just have to know it for yourself. And even when others are telling you you’re upsetting them, you just make something up, while internally not agreeing with them.

One of my brothers used to do this naturally, and he never studied or knew about emotional responsibility. He would just flat out agree with our mom, but he never believed it, and it just never bothered him.

I remember girls getting mad at him, and he did the same thing,.. lied his ass off. But never took responsibility for how they felt. And it never bothered him in the least. Ahh, what a genius, my bro.

(Added note: I also noticed that girls and my mom almost always 'forgave' my brother pretty easily. They even made excuses FOR him. Go figure.)

Phil

quote:

Originally posted by Leslie B:
Going back to your original post, I don't think I read anything about what YOU might want. Seems to be an either/or between your parents' and your husband's wants.

We are learning in SOGR that to help those around us, we MUST take care of ourselves FIRST.

You DID imply that you just wanted everyone to be happy. I get it, we really DO want that. And as you said, we have no control over that and even if we did, it is NOT our job...

You are right. And thank you for pointing that out. Now I'll just have to find out what I want.

quote:

Originally posted by luv2luv:

quote:

My problem is, I want to keep everybody happy.

More likely, you'll end up feeling drained, resentful of them and mad at yourself when calm is restored.

You've described exactly how I feel in that last sentence. I just knew you guys would understand and help me!
Like in the song, I'll start:"Try a little tenderness selfishness."

quote:

Originally posted by Phil:

One of my brothers used to do this naturally, and he never studied or knew about emotional responsibility. He would just flat out agree with our mom, but he never believed it, and it just never bothered him.

But telling white lies to keep everybody happy is kinda what got me in to trouble. Always agreeing with my parents, though doing/thinking something else has caught up with me.

I think I should start upsetting them a little. I'm not a bad person for not being who they want me to be. So why hide who I am?

I must ad my parents get upset at the weirdest things. Me, selling my car, wanting to wear jeans, move house, getting a new kitchen, going on holliday and wanting a rest in stead of galloping around a country, putting down carpet in the living room.
They get really upset. "you don't love us anymore. We have done everything wrong. Why do you hurt us so?"

So I think it's time to take care of me first as Leslie B said.

I guess it all boils down to whether you can bear to lose your role as the dependable one in their lives. (You may likely discover, if you were to ask, that they never considered you all that dependable anyway, for all your efforts!)

quote:

Originally posted by luv2luv:
(You may likely discover, if you were to ask, that they never considered you all that dependable anyway, for all your efforts!)

Probably.

quote:

Originally posted by Liesbeth:
I think I should start upsetting them a little. I'm not a bad person for not being who they want me to be. So why hide who I am?

I must ad my parents get upset at the weirdest things. Me, selling my car, wanting to wear jeans, move house, getting a new kitchen, going on holliday and wanting a rest in stead of galloping around a country, putting down carpet in the living room.
They get really upset. "you don't love us anymore. We have done everything wrong. Why do you hurt us so?"

My parents have got upset at equally minor things... wearing a miniskirt (NOT an outrageous one either!) for the first time aged NINETEEN, buying a leather biker jacket, going to a concert alone... looking back with 20+ years' gap from the events they look minor to me now, but at the time it was like I was ripping their hearts out, it was a BIG deal to both of us...

And YES you don't need to hide who you are - in the end, I came to see my parents as people I love VERY much, with flaws, and they came to see me as an individual who can make choices they don't approve of, without it meaning "OMG it's all OVER!" or anything.

Parents have a natural fear of "losing" their child (think of the high mortality rates in previous centuries) and sometimes see things as symbols of loss, even when in fact they're just about your taste in clothes!

In the end they came to respect me for walking my own path, perhaps in part because it relieved them of the responsibility of feeling like they had to make all my choices for me, and like they had a duty to protect me from the consequences of my own "unwise" actions (which we DO have with our children up to a certain point - think of the way we baby-proof a house where toddlers are running full-pelt at the furniture, and so on) so it turned out to be a good thing. They saw that I could do things they wouldn't have chosen for me, and however it turned out, I'd still be okay.

Still a work in progress! - but one we're the better for, I believe.

I've just read an article that has some great ways of phrasing, basically, "No" - a word that can occasionally be hard to dish out - it also talks about negotiating salary, well worth a read:

http://thegloss.com/career/bul...our-career-and-life/

(in reference to your previous post:"Sad thing is, I'm turning 40 this year. Bit old for puberty. )

And thanks for the article. I'm going to read it, as soon as I've done my V.A.T. administration. Those tax-men, just won't take No for an answer.

I Think I've found a new favourite website to read. Thanks blue fountain!