I am currently staying as a paying guest with an Aunt who is 73 years old, for the last 2.7 years. initially when I shifted she used to interfere a lot, what I eat/wear/do, when I should do this & that. She didn't want me to watch TV when I want, She didn't gave me home keys for one year,She just told me to collect from neighbors.She was very rude at times.She used to speak lot of negatives things & discuss negatives things currently happening(She still does the same but now I have stopped siting with her discussing this).She used to ask every time where I am going,at which place, when I will be back. she used to keep an eye what I am cooking & how much time I am taking. She asked me house rent on the 1st day of every month. She used to say to me & to others that She treats me like her child But she never implemented this in reality. She used to complaint about me to my friends on my back.

I used to get upset with these things a lot. But there were good things also like she used to give me breakfast & tea.She used to get cleaned my room, She used to fill water bottles for me & let me use her utensils.

As I was new to this city,also with no relatives & friends, whenever she said/do anything to me which I felt wrong, I never said anything back but silently I used to cry & tell my mother why she is doing these things to me. My mother said to me that you have to just past you time, She is old so don't say anything back & respect her.

So time passed, she changed herself. Also as I started reading SOGR & other self help books, I shifted my focus & I prayed to God also. I used to just think that something is happening good which I am not able to see.Now She let me watch TV whenever but still interferes. I think I notice less now. I was thinking that she should do this & that the way I liked. But then I thought who am I to control her. She is at 73 & she won't change only I am have to change my thinking. As said Byron Katie that we should not try to control others. But being at peace was not easy.I used to be grateful for good things like this room is near to my office, railway station & market.Also Aunt's sister told me that Aunt is staying alone for the last 25 years so she has become like this.

I had a lot of patience to stay with this Aunt. As I am moving to another city because I got a job offer near to my home town. I used to think that nobody can stay here with this Aunt. Whoever will come here, will not stay for even a month.

Another Lady just came to see this PG house yesterday. My Owner Aunt was explaining to her that she treats me well, I have been staying for a long time here & lot of other stuff.

I just wanted to share the mistake I did yesterday.I don't know why I felt irritated, when that other lady was leaving I just told her that she should consider coming here only if she didn't have any other option. I just wanted to tell her that she should not come here but I could not tell.

Later I thought Why I don't want any one to come here. I am not going to get anything or lose anything . Even I won't here be to see anything. Do I want Aunt to suffer or do I worry that Aunt will do the same things to that girl? or if that girl didn't have enough patience & understanding she will do wrong things to this Aunt.

But I cannot go & tell to every person that don't come her. why I want to tell her that Aunt will do all these things.Also if someone come & stay here she can come to know Aunt's behavior automatically. Even Aunt's behavior has changed but my mind is still occupied with earlier things she did to me.

I am still not able to wish Aunt well even thought I thank her for the good things she has done for me. I am using BLAST method also & I want to forgive her also. I try to be positive but that happens only for sometime. Please suggest me how I can focus on good things at the same time wish her good things as well.

Poonam Kamboj,

You COULD begin with (what seems to me, because of what you wrote) a GIGANTIC leap in understanding, which is:

Your Aunt did not EVER make you feel one way or another.

YOU felt how you’ve been taught or learned to feel, when anyone acts like your Aunt did. You felt what YOUR beliefs made you feel.

Your Aunt isn’t and wasn’t EVER to BLAME for how YOU felt. YOU are responsible for how you feel, because how YOU feel is the result of what YOU think and believe. (And SHE never determined that.)

Here’s how others put it:

“We create our own heaven or hell. Your thoughts can imprison you or set you free. Complications, conditions or people do not upset you, but the way you think about them causes your upset. Freedom is not possible until we discipline and retrain our minds.” - p. 124 of Choose To Live Peacefully by Susan Smith Jones, Ph.D.

“If you say, “I just can’t help the way I feel,” you will only make yourself a victim of your misery ~ and you’ll be fooling yourself, because you can change the way you feel.
If you want to feel better, you must realize that your thoughts and attitudes--not external events--create your feelings. You can learn to change the way your think, feel, and behave in the here-and-now.” - from The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns

“If you let the world affect how you feel, what you are saying is, "I do not make my own decisions, I just have a Pavlovian response to anything that may twang my emotions."” Stuart Wilde in ‘Life Was Never Meant To Be A Struggle’

“When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are not reacting to the person or the situation, but to your feelings [beliefs] about the person or the situation.” - from The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra

“I can't emphasize this strongly enough... If you haven't been able to feel how you want to feel and haven't been able to get yourself to do something you want to do... then you are being victimized by your own disempowering thoughts, beliefs and attitudes.” - Mike Brescia, President, Think Right Now International

“If things go wrong in my world, something is wrong in me. Therefore, if I am sensible, I shall put myself right first.” Carl Jung

“It's a familiar story for many of us. Notice how suffering is always caused when we are believing our own stressful thoughts. And if you are feeling any stress, even the most minute amount of stress, I invite you to identify what you are believing and then to question those thoughts that are always the cause of that stress.” Byron Katie

“Other people can neither make us miserable nor make us happy.” - p.3 of Choice Theory by William Glasser, M.D.

“When anything external distresses us, it is not the event which causes us pain; rather, it is our response to it, and this we have the power to revoke at every given moment." - Epictetus

Phil

See if reading this helps:

Free Happiness

Poonam Kamboj --

Have you ever been around a person that everyone else thought was awful but that person didn't bother you at all? Or maybe you even liked him or her? Or have you even seen such a thing?

It may be the same with your aunt. I can understand why you said what you did to that woman, and I can also understand why you now feel some guilt for having done it.

So first: It's over. Let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself. The truth is, you can't stop anyone else from manifesting what they're creating, so if that woman is creating an uncomfortable situation, she'll get it whether she's at your aunt's house or not. And if she is creating a wonderful situation for herself, she can have that at your aunt's house, too.

Have you done Katie's Judge Your Neighbor worksheet? Or listened to the wonderful audio posted in another thread -- Katie doing "the work" with a woman who is so annoyed by her best friend (even though she dearly loves the friend)? They're both eye-openers. (Not to mention heart- and mind-openers!)

Here's that great audio link again!

Sounds to me like the person you need to forgive is YOU. And then the rest can fall into place. But as long as we have our minds stuck in the past, we're missing NOW and creating more of the same past as our futures.

You can do it. Lighten up on yourself and then you'll be able to do the same with your aunt.

Just a thought,

Maybe you told the lady what you did because you were frustrated that you were not able to get anyone to understand what you have been dealing with. Even your mother said just to respect your aunt and leave it at that.

Now you have told us and we do understand. You could use this as an opportunity to let it go and move on into the wonderful life that awaits you. Perhaps you have given your aunt a gift by your stay there. Maybe after being alone for 25 years she had lost the skills to relate to others in her home. Perhaps after you being there she will be able to successfully have a boarder and she won't be so alone. After all, you are family so unlikely to move out. A boarder will not stay if they find your aunt difficult. You have probably been an agent of change for her and the path to a less lonely life.

well, you could think of it like that

Namaste
Pauline

Hi Poonam,

Here's a thought. Why not write your aunt a letter of gratitude. Express your appreciation for all that she did do for you and for expressions of love. It doesn't have to be long but meaningful. Then give it to her and forget about it.

I have a gut feeling that if you did this something remarkable will come into your awareness.

Appreciation from the Heart,

Richard De Haven

Thank you all for your replies.

Phil,

I agree with you that I felt because this I have learned that when someone says/does things like that , we react like this.


Rebecca,

I have been around a person like this who was my colleague. When I came into his contact I found he wasn't that much bad.

Now I am trying BLAST method, So the time I am with her,I want to be at peace with her, instead of thinking bad thoughts I am trying to just wish her well. I want to forgive her & myself for all things before I leave from my Aunt's house.

I have done "Katie's Judge Your Neighbor worksheet" a few times but need to do this again.


Pauline,

When I analyze the whole time I have stayed here, I have come to the conclusion that she is not the same person she was before 2.5 years. she has changed a lot or I can say in a process of changing.

Yes, I am considering it as an opportunity to let it go.


Richard,

I liked your suggestion. I am going to write a gratitude letter to her

As a species all a lot of us do is bitch and moan complain and whinge we do not stop and say thank you for what we have I am the biggest whinger of them all I am trying to change that by giving thanks everyday when I hear those around me whinge and whinge it does not annoy me any more because i know i attracted these people to me i am putting what rebbecca says into practice every day ie change your mind and everything changes . It is easy to complain about people behind there backs but it takes courage to tell someone to their face be gratefull for waht you have if you dont believe me try it for yourself. To me even though I have always given thanks for things in my life it wasnt untill i started to do it with gusto after reading the science of getting rich did all the thoughts and ideas and CMI's come flooding into my consiousness.

quote:

Originally posted by PoonamKamboj:
I felt because this I have learned that when someone says/does things like that , we react like this.

PoonamKamboj,

I’m wondering what you mean when you said ‘we’? Are you saying you believe ‘everyone’ reacts like you do?

‘We’ don’t react in any one particular way because ‘we’ have different beliefs about people’s behaviors.

YOU reacted as you did to your Aunt, because you have YOUR beliefs about certain beheviors, and how she ‘should’ or is ‘supposed’ to treat you.

I believe I would react very differently than you because I have different beliefs about people and their behaviors than you. So, why do I mention this?

In your first post you mentioned to the potential renter that “she should consider coming here only if she didn't have any other option.” Why did you do this? Didn’t you do this because you assumed (believe) that this lady would have the same reactions to your Aunt as you did?

The only way this potential renter would have the same reactions as you did is if she has the same beliefs as you. What are the chances of that?

You needn’t try to ‘warn’ others of your Aunt because they will experience her however their beliefs cause them to.

There is a story that has been passed around that illustrates this.

A man was traveling and coming into a new village asked a local, “What kind of people live here?” And the local asked, “What kind of people were there in the village you’re from?” And the man answered, “They were pretty friendly and easy going.” And the local replied, “You’ll find the same sort of people here.”

Another man came to the village and asked the local. “What sort of people live here?” And again the local asked, “What sort of people were there where you came from?” The man answered, “They were kind of mean. Not helpful or friendly.” The local answered, “Well, you’ll find the same kind of people here.”

In life we tend to experience what we believe, whether it’s about people, circumstances or ourselves.

“If things go wrong in my world, something is wrong in me. Therefore, if I am sensible, I shall put myself right first.” Carl Jung

“When anything external distresses us, it is not the event which causes us pain; rather, it is our response to it, and this we have the power to revoke at every given moment." - Epictetus

“I can't emphasize this strongly enough... If you haven't been able to feel how you want to feel and haven't been able to get yourself to do something you want to do... then you are being victimized by your own disempowering thoughts, beliefs and attitudes.” - Mike Brescia, President, Think Right Now International

Phil