Since reading the book not all has been great for me and sometimes I wish I had never read it in the first place. When WW talks about how whatever we think about negative or positive is what we will create this has been real bad for me.

I always used to think (and still do) that my girlfriend was going to leave me or is cheating on me for no reason what so ever and now that I have realised I am thinking this and that It could actualy be created if I dont stop thinking about it, it has actualy become worse because I seem to think more about it now than ever before because I am afraid of creating it. Now even though whenever I do think about it I try and think the opposite positve thought and tell my self it' just me thinking it I am also aware that if I keep thinking it I will create it and this just puts me down again and am really struggling to think positive.

I am aslo aware If we have fear about losing something we love the fear seems to grab a stronghold onto you (well with me it does) and just when were feeling good the fear or negative thoughts still pop into our heads and then we tell ourselves that maybe we need them thoughts incase what we fear comes true. It's then our job to realise what we are thinking and try are best to place love into the positive thought and let them take over. I have been struggling with this since reading the book and to tell the truth it is doing my head in but I feel like I cant give up and just have to keep on striving and try my best to put my trust in God although it is hard.

Has anyone else ever had this problem? Or does anyone know anything that might help me solve this problem.

You are not alone. Most people will have to struggle with bad feelings, not necessarily about a girlfriend, but the âobjectâ™ of our bad feelings is not really important. It simply feels bad to feel bad, no matter what or who the bad feelings are about. Right? The idea is to just get away from the bad feeling.

Maybe try writing a list of things you do or can do, that cause you to feel even the slightest better about yourself: Clean up your space. Read to improve yourself. Read a biography of someone you admire. Go exercise. Do some push ups. Go for a jog or to the gym. Organize your âstuffâ™. Do something creative. Sing to yourself. Write your thoughts in a journal. Practice deep breathing. Pray. Meditate. Write a list of things youâ™re glad to have. (You can start with hot and cold running water, or even the fact that you can breathe fairly comfortably. Arenâ™t you glad you donâ™t have to struggle to breathe?) Contemplate uplifting words like peace, love, gladness, well being, acceptance, wisdom, beauty, etc. Bring into your mind positive images from these words. Think of something thatâ™s possible for you to do this weekend that youâ™d like to do. Make positive plans. Write a list of 101 things youâ™d love to do before you die.

Think of something you COULD do that might help you feel even just a LITTLE better, and then, DO IT. (And if it doesnâ™t work, try something else.)

Phil

I cannot add much more, just wanted to let you know you are doing okay. Follow Phil's ideas. I'm certain you can turn the corner on this one. Keep on it.

When I have similar bad feelings, I use it as an opportunity to really think about what I want for myself. The thought occurred for some reason, didn't it? Maybe it's my subconscious calling on me to pay attention. So I do, and I make a decision on what I want in my life.

Here for you,
Sue

Hi CentralAxis,

I know what you mean about constantly thinking of a fear and being afraid that you'll obsess it into existence.

When I was a teenager my favourite aunt died of breast cancer (she was only 39) and since then I've been totally afraid of the same thing.

Last month I caught myself obsessing again and came up with something that helped me. Everytime I realised that I was thinking about it, I said a little affirmation to myself: "I am rich, successful, beautiful and HEALTHY".

I chose my words very carefully, with special meanings to each word, to reflect the things I have and continue to want to have in my life. When I said the affirmation I tried to put as much meaning into it as possible and to picture in my mind how wonderful my life is. I said it over and over until my mind was distracted by other thoughts.

This method has helped me, perhaps it can help you, if not I know that you will come up with the right method because deep inside you, you do know the answer.

Allison.

I have relied on a book about releasing old pains for help with these old feelings and tapes that e keep hearing... I suggest the book "RINGS OF TRUTH" by Jim Britt. It is written as a novel, and you can find it at most books tores, Amazon or BlueHouseBooks.com. IF memory serves me right, it will run about $26. Worth every penny.

Another trick is to get the straight skinny on cancer... Do the research available on line and you will find that there is much more positive news than negative in this day. One thing I have learned as I have aged is that the better your information, the better your feeling of control of these situations.

Meanwhile, hang tough and keep centered in positives and you will pull out of the doldrums.

Patchka... aka Pearl

I wanted to reply again to your post because you asked if anyone has gone through what youâ™re going through with your girlfriend. Well,⦠it seems to me I went through nearly EXACTLY what youâ™re going through.

I also had a girlfriend that I had fearful feelings about her leaving. In fact, I also had dreams where she was cheating on me, and I even thought âif I dreamt it, maybe thereâ™s some truth to itâ™ and I remember thinking about those dreams during the day and re-experiencing the bad feelings. I also recall an incident when we were at a party, and I saw her hug another guy and kiss him. (Was it on the cheek, or on his lips? I donâ™t recall.) And I remember getting a very bad feeling, aka feeling jealous and threatened. I confronted her about this, and she downplayed it and did her best to reassure me that it was nothing; only a friendly gesture, but still it left an emotional bruise on my psyche. Is this anything like youâ™re going through?

Ugh. Just thinking about that guy that used to be me I feel sorry for him. Just thinking about those times is painful.

But Iâ™m here to tell you, it doesnâ™t have to be that way.

Have you ever had the thought, âIf only I knew then what I know now?â Well, thatâ™s what I want to attempt to pass on to you; some knowledge I have now that, if I knew it then it would have saved me mountains of anguish and what sometimes seems like a lot of lost time and energy. (Although, itâ™s not really lost. Everything serves a greater purpose.)

Youâ™ve probably heard the saying (Shakespeare, I think) âNothing is good or bad but that thinking makes it so.â Well, the truth is, your girlfriend leaving you or cheating on you (or staying and not cheating on you) is neither good or bad. Whether anything that happens (or doesnâ™t happen) is good or bad depends on how you respond to it. Whatever the event, if you respond constructively it becomes something good (and you end up FEELING GOOD). If you respond negatively, it becomes something bad (and usually FEELS very bad). (Or even if you EVENTUALLY respond constructively, a so-called âbadâ™ event can become something good, i.e., meaningful, useful, purposeful, enlightening, a part of your greater well being and good).

But let me get back to the knowledge that I think might be helpful to you, knowledge I think would have made a great difference to me, had I known it âback then.â™ (By the way, donâ™t go looking for confirmation of what Iâ™m about to tell you, from other people. Iâ™ve found that itâ™s nearly only 1 person in 10 that will even bother to consider the possibility of it, and MOST people reject it immediately. But so what? If itâ™s true, and it can help you have a better, more enjoyable, meaningful and fulfilling life, who cares who agrees?) So, what it this bit of info that I wish I knew âway back thenâ™? Basically, itâ™s:

No other person and no condition outside of you, and no circumstance youâ™re in (even imagined circumstances or events, like your girlfriend cheating on you) is CAUSING you to sustain a feeling one way or the other.

I used to say âNo other person and no condition outside of you, and no circumstance youâ™re in (even imagined circumstances or events) is CAUSING you to FEEL one way or the otherâ™ but Iâ™ve come to amend that. Apparently we have built into our brains an initial âfear response mechanismâ™ that will immediately cause us to feel a fearful feeling, in many instances. BUT â and this is a key to experiencing greater well being â we have the ability NOT to SUSTAIN or perpetuate those bad feelings. We have the power to dispel bad feelings, and get ourselves to FEEL GOOD, once we gain a certain understanding of how feelings are maintained.

Now, that wasnâ™t so bad was it? Whatâ™s your reaction to this thought? Do you think it sounds nuts? Do you think itâ™s true, or have you already come up with what you think is an example of it not being true?

Do you realize that your girlfriend leaving or staying would not necessarily CAUSE you to feel good or bad? Do you realize that when your girlfriend doesnâ™t give you a lot of attention, this doesnâ™t CAUSE you to feel good or bad? Do you realize that even if your girlfriend DID cheat on you that knowing this would not CAUSE you to perpetuate a bad feeling?

We only continue to feel however we do because of the meaning WE put on events, conditions, circumstances and experiences (imagined ones, or actual ones).

Now, I imagine youâ™re growing weary of this monologue. Youâ™re thinking, âSo what? Howâ™s this going to make me FEEL BETTER?â

Well, you want to be FREE to FEEL GOOD, right? You want to experience more and MORE moments of good feelings and well being, right? What Iâ™m attempting to offer you is information that will give you that FREEDOM. Let me take you through some examples of how this works. (And I believe itâ™s KEY to understanding what SOGR means when it speaks of âthinking and acting in a Certain Wayâ™.)

Letâ™s say you lose a job. Is this good or bad? Do you feel good or bad? Doesnâ™t it depend on the meaning you give it? If you see it as an opportunity to move onto something bigger and better you will feel GOOD about it. If you can only see it as a loss you will feel bad about it. So, which is true? Certainly it IS an opportunity, but it is also the loss of something youâ™ve had. So, both are true. But the thing that will CAUSE you to feel GOOD is your determination to see it as an opportunity, and ACT on that premise.

Or, letâ™s say youâ™re in a job that was once good (i.e., you once felt GOOD about it) but youâ™re now getting to hate this job. Is this good or bad? Again, it depends on how YOU view it, and how you view yourself. If youâ™re in this kind of situation you are having the experience of dissatisfaction. Here again, your feelings of dissatisfaction will either grow, or dissipate, or turn into inspiration, depending on the MEANING you give it. If you think it means you are destined for mediocrity you dissatisfaction will increase. If you take the dissatisfaction as a sign that youâ™re ready to grow in some way, you will take it as inspiration (and tend to feel better about it).

These are merely two examples. Life offers up an infinite number of possibilities. But whatever the circumstance, if you will examine it thoroughly you will find there is ALWAYS a way to view it constructively, as some kind of opportunity, and often as MANY opportunities. As has been said: There Are No Ordinary Moments.

This same truth holds with relationships (like with your girlfriend) as well as conditions, circumstances and whether we have only a few dollars to our name, or millions. (Nowadays, I should say billions).

Something else occurs to me, as I remember that anguishing period I had with that former girlfriend. I believe there was something I was lacking that was contributing to my poor feelings. I had no sense of greatness.

It seems, one reason I was so âemotionally investedâ™ in her was because I really didnâ™t have a life of my own. She was the thrill of my life, but the ONLY real thrill of my life. So, if I felt my relationship with her was threatened in any way, it was as if my whole LIFE was being threatened.

So, what Iâ™m saying is, maybe what you need to do is expand your vision of YOU. Maybe you need to give yourself the greater benefit of a positive doubt and start imagining GREATER POSSIBILITIES for yourself.

I just read a story of a man name Kaiser. Apparently, as a kid of 13, he was painfully shy. People who knew him in his hometown of Sprout Brook, N.Y., could only imagine the worse for him. He consistently managed to fowl up everything that he put his hands to. But somehow, through trial and error over MANY years, he finally managed to make a success of his life. Henry J. Kaiser became a multi-billionaire.

There was another kid whose classmates considered your typical ordinary going-to-go-nowhere kind of kid. A teacher even told him he had managed to get the WORSE grade ever in a science class. (Not exactly the kind of thing any kid needs to hear.) This kid even thought of himself as pretty much of a nothing. The only thing that he felt he did well at all was, he thought he could draw a little. So, in the years after high school, he pursued his drawing, and took his talents to Disney. Well, he was summarily rejected. But, somehow he managed to overcome this rejection (and others, Iâ™m sure) and he created the now famous Peanuts cartoon strip. (And still, if you think about it, he really could only draw a little, but with his gifted imagination and insight into childhood that was apparently enough.)

So, maybe expand your vision of yourself. Think BIG and your whole perspective changes (and you start to FEEL BETTER too.)

Phil

(btw, you might be wondering what WALL BEAN is. Itâ™s Australian for âwell being.â™)

I understand your dilema. It was the same with me. What I've learned is that our egoic mind has been in control for a long time.When we begin to develop new thinking patterns, and take more control of our thoughts, our consciousness begins to also change.I believe that what you're going thru, is a type of mind rebellion. This is normal.

Our minds are used to running on and on, out of control, constantly creating "mind noise". What I mean by "mind noise" are continuous thoughts that come one after another. To understand this, try to focus on something, and not think a single thought. How long can you do it? Maybe 10 seconds?Then the mind sneaks in a thought, and there you go again. One thought after another.

When we begin to take more control of our mind, the ego rebels and tries to keep control. That is when our fears come to the surface of our consciousness, very strongly. Rest assured that this is only temporary, and will pass.

For many of us, there are new discoveries to be made along the certain way.You see, we are not really our minds. Our minds are a tool given to us by the source of our being, to use to create our physical and emotional lives. We can find our way out of psycological pain, gain authentic human power, and take control of our powerful mind, by living in the now. The past no longer counts. The future never arrives. Only "now" exists. As we work with the SOGR, we are opening ourselves to a new transforming experience, by taking control of our thinking.

Many of us will find that our biggest obstacle to this realization is our relationships, especially intimate relationships. But we are in "new territory" and all is not what it had seemed before.

I would encourage you to learn more about living in the now, and turn off the endless mind noise. It can be done very effectively, with practice, and can help you totally change your life.
You can e-mail me if you want, and I'll give you some sources for more learning about this powerful information.

Peace, Love, and Happiness

Randygbp@aol.com

Hi Central,

You are not alone for sure. There's a whole world out there acting and reacting exactly the same as you are. Sadly, when anyone has these feelings of jealousy, they are really a form of possession.

Too many people subconsciously feel that, in a relationship, they "own" the other person. So they take on controlling attitudes, which lead to suspicion and more control and fear and even more control. It grows... and it isn't pretty. You must know that this isn't love in any way, shape, or form. This is possession. And possession has nothing to do with love.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your girlfriend treated you the same distrustful and mean way as you are treating her. If she quesitoned your every move and every time you spoke to a person of the opposite sex she freaked on you. If you had to constantly explain yourself and reassure her of your love and loyalty. You'd begin to feel you were in a prison. And that you were pretty worthless and probably stupid as well. Why? Because a slave is a slave, not someone valued but something owned. A possession... no higher up in your life than your table or chair. Pretty worthless, all-in-all. And stupid... for staying and putting up with this crap.

I'm sure you can see that this kind of behaviour can only push the other person away. None of us like to be in this position. None of us like to be owned. None of us like to feel worthless or stupid. None of us like to be reduced to slaves. That's what ownership of another human being is.

Like it or not, possession is the same as slavery. In a way, you want your girlfriend to cease being the person you met so that she can become the person you think you want. Only you have no idea what you really want anymore because the greed of possession has overcome your senses.

What if she does change and becomes the recluse you seem to be expecting her to be? What else would you call it? Not talking to anyone unless you give her permission, not having friends unless you approve of them, not going out the door without you by her side, reporting to you on her every move? She may as well be wearing a leash, Central. But what if, for your sake, she becomes that person? I'd venture to guess it wouldn't take long before you wouldn't like her, let alone love her, anymore. She would become tiresome instead of exciting, boring instead of interesting, and far too clingy for your tastes.

If you are denying that you are this possessive person, then perhaps you need to take a much closer look at yourself. Because your fears have turned you into someone you probably weren't before.

I've seen this happen far too many times over the years and it never ended up where the possessive person wanted it to. The one being possessed usually eventually takes a look at her/himself in a mirror and doesn't like who's looking back. And, for their own soul and life, they are obliged to leave. The possessive person forces them out the door... then can't understand when they leave. But someone who is being possessed can't breathe, can't live, can't grow, can't be who they really are. Central, with your stifling actions, you are slowly killing the person you claim to love.

Possession isn't love. Love is freedom. Freedom to fly, to grow, to live, to dance, to have friends who are not connected to the other person in the couple, to do things the other person may not be the least bit interested in, to have a life that is whole and separate from, yet joined so closely to, the other person in the relationship. Love is TRUST big time. Without trust, there is no love. None.

When we can't or won't trust someone we claim to love, I believe we really must look inward and see what it is that we don't trust in ourselves. Because most of our reactions have nothing to do with anyone or anything external. Seek what it is you don't trust about yourself and you will have grown a hundred fold.

I am sorry if I sound harsh, but sometimes what a person really needs isn't sympathy, but a swift kick in the you-know-what. I wish you luck in your relationship, but I wish you even more in your growth.

Live in Light,
Coccinella

Thank you to all of you for replying and helping me out with my problem it really does help allot.

Concinella Thank you for trying to point something out to me I understand what you are trying to tell me but one good thing is I realised this already about the possession thing and I never went down that road too much because I realise that doing that can drive someone away pretty easily. Ok I had a few things like I didnâ™t like her dancing with other men (and I still donâ™t) and she doesnâ™t like me dancing with other women so that one I thought was pretty fair and there are a few other things I need to get over but I have managed to keep them hidden from her or realise my mistake and try my best to not repeat the mistake. If my girlfriend tells me she wants to go out I start thinking Oh No because I know it is going to be a night of me thinking mistrusting thoughts but I just say yeah ok she can go out because I know I cant try and control her and have to just try and trust her. What your talking about isnâ™t really the problem with me the problem is the actual thoughts themselves, that's what I want to get rid off and turn my mind into a trusting mind.


Phil when you talked about yourself years ago that does sound like me a fair bit.

I understand and believe what you are saying about how we create the feeling about circumstances and relationships and that really what ever happens isnâ™t really good or bad it just depends on how we look at it. Now I have thought about this and can think of reasons why if she did leave me it wouldnâ™t be the end of the world but what I think I need to look upon is the thoughts that I am thinking and start to think about it doesnâ™t matter what thoughts I think because the negative thoughts also have something good coming out of them maybe they help me to remember the positive thoughts but sometimes for me it is really hard to change the way I feel about something especially when those negative thoughts wont go away and keep popping into my head.

What you said about how I look at myself is also maybe the other problem because of my life goal which is to have a long lasting relationship, a family, a house, a block of flats and a pretty simple life. I am aware that I can still do all of this if me and my girlfriend stay together or not but because I would like to just have a life long relationship with her this is what I guess brings the bad feelings in when I start to doubt and mistrust her or fear her leaving me. I have been doing most of those things you suggested in your first post. I have been meditating, writing down my goals, using affirmations, going to the gym, visualising my goals, and praying and I think another thing that suddenly dawned on me since making this thread is that I am finding it hard to just let go and trust in God/The Universe and I think if I could just do this allot of my problems would already be solved.

Thank you Phil for your help I am really grateful it has helped me to think things through better.

Thanks randy for talking about what am probably going through and for your kind offer of help if need it from you.

Thanks also to Patchka, Allison, and Sue Dee for letting me know what you have been through and feel will help me get through this.
Thanks to everyone for letting me know am not alone and for making me feel allot better and for giving me inspiration to just keep going.

I would like to just ask one more question
Has anyone ever had a goal to try and improve a relationship if they felt it was lacking something such as trust? If we already love someone and they also love you can you have a goal that both will just feel the real love for each other that you would both like? And what I mean by real love is a love that is unconditional a love that has Trust, Happiness, Loyalty, Joy and basically all the things that come with real love.

Thanks again to everyone.

Peace

I have found that the Trust factor in a relationship is buried within my own "gut" feelings. If your gut tells you that there is a question of trust in your relationship, you need to proceed with caution. It is one of the principals of the work we are doing in this book that we learn to create what we are after, and this we can do... BUT we need first to trust our own instincts...

Go back to Chapeter 3 and rework, within your own frame work, what it is that you are seeking. Enviosion that as real and yours from the ground up. You will then draw those things you are clear about to your life... INCLUDING Trust, Joy, and the rest of your love related expectations...

Patchka

Patchka... aka Pearl

What a thoughtfully expressed post, Central Axis.

In response to your question at the end. I have improved my relationship with my significant other. For a few tumultuous years I went back and forth -- am I staying, am I going. I have children and I chose to stay, so I also told myself the way things were between us were not what I wanted in my life. I wanted something better, I wanted that unconditional love and respect we all want. It's not a fantasy but it is work. And so worth it.

I was able to make serious changes first by reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's hard to say exactly what changed for me, but it was along the lines of this:

If you want more love in your life, love more.
If you want more laughter, laugh more.
If you want unconditional love, love unconditionally.

I swear to the glory of the Formless, it has made me an incredibly happier person for figuring this out. What we are getting in our lives is what we are attracting. We know this. We DO have the power to change our lives, in all aspects.

I bid you peace,
Sue

Hi Central,

I agree with Sue... what a thoughtful post you gave to us. And I'm glad that you are only in the "thought" stage, which is much easier to dispel than the one I was speaking about... the "action" stage.

I did have a relationship that I tried very hard to "make work" by being what I wanted to be treated like.

I met my husband-to-be when I was 25, he was 24. I accepted him exactly as he was and didn't try to make him change. However, I began to change myself to suit him... even though he never asked me to. He wasn't jealous or controlling but he also would make comments that he had no idea hurt or confused me. I was naive enough to believe that he "needed" me to change to suite what I perceived as his desire.

We lived together for two years before we got married. During the first year, he would decide he 'wanted to be single' and would move me out, then move me back in a few weeks later... just as my life was getting back to being my own.

I worked on being loving, kind, and accepting and never actually got angry over these incidents. I thought he just hadn't made up his mind yet and went along with the whole thing.

Eventually we moved in permanently together and also moved away from where my family was to where his were... several thousand miles away. After about a year living there, we decided to get married. Over that year he had begun to have little "flings" with other women. Still, I accepted that as part of him and I believed (and still do) that I either wanted him just the way he was or not at all. I did think about his actions before we got married and I decided that I loved him and wanted to be married to him and would therefore accept him exactly as he was.

For the next five years, I concentrated on being loving, kind, giving, and acting in the way that I wanted to be treated. I had read a book that said something similar to Sue wrote about and I was determined to work to make this marriage work. What I forgot to do... or never knew enough to do... was to also be myself. There were parts of me that got left behind somewhere, bits and pieces that got set aside or forgotten. After we divorced, it took me several years to pick them all back up again and glue them back to me.

Although I've read about other couples who were brought together into harmony through the diligence of one of them, I have also experienced the opposite effect... where the diligence and work of one doesn't do the trick. My ex-husband and I separated as friends and I still consider him a friend, even though we haven't spoken for several years. He taught me things and showed me things that no one else could have... and I will always appreciate the fact that he was in my life.

Don't know if that helps or not, but it is my story.

Live in Light,
Coccinella

quote:

---

Originally posted by Patchka:
I have found that the Trust factor in a relationship is buried within my own "gut" feelings. If your gut tells you that there is a question of trust in your relationship, you need to proceed with caution. It is one of the principals of the work we are doing in this book that we learn to create what we are after, and this we can do... BUT we need first to trust our own instincts...

---

Patchka/Pearl, I think that's excellent advice.

We can think ourselves 'round in circles, even tell ourselves lies, but we can't fool our bodies.

The other thing to consider carefully is factual evidence.

For example, if I'm having trouble trusting someone I look at this:

Is this person -- to my knowledge -- acting in an untrustworthy way with others? Or has s/he done so in the past?

This isn't about sitting in judgement. It's about looking at the FACTS of the situation in order to get to the TRUTH.

The flip side of that is, am I acting in an honorable way -- or, are my feelings of mistrust actually coming from my OWN actions and I'm projecting that onto someone else?

Just food for thought.

Many blessings, and, of course--
EXPECT Success!
Rebecca